JamiroFan2000
Correspondent
Joined: 21 Mar 2002
Posts: 2881
Location: The Jamiroquaized States Of America
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 Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 01:18 |
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Return of Anchorman (New Comic Series 1#)!
JamiroFan2000, the faithful former Anchorman of the Jamiroquai News Network, enters the recently abandoned news studios. Jam looks around and recognizes the old studio, now renovated with a new desk and news backdrop. The Cameraman trots over and slaps Jam on the back with the greeting, "Jam, long time no see, been a while, how have you been?" Jam ignores and continually stares at the new desk and replies to him a honorable voice, "Uh, I have been fine, just missed reporting Jamiroquai news. I have been at home, eating ding-dongs and watching ceramic pottery classes on PBS." The Cameraman smiles and says, "Well, that sounds absolutely thrilling, did you get to use those newly attained pottery skills with the ladies?" Jam peers back at him with one flared eyebrow and asks, "Are you insinuating that I have been manipulating women into molding clay with me! I find that insulting fella! This isn't "Road House"!" The Cameraman scratching his chin replies, "Uh, Jam, the movie was "Ghost"."
Jam, walking over to the desk, says to him, "Oh whatever, I'm just glad to be back, on set and ready to dispense news. So, who is the new owner of the studio...or should I say the bloody, cotton-picking network!" The Cameraman gives a unhappy look to Jam and answers, "Uh well, I have some bad news, Rupert Murdoch, CEO of Fox News tried to outbid them for the Network, but they got scalped by a new bidder. They bought us!" Jam flares both eyebrows this time and asks, "Well, then, spit it out man, who bought the luxury of my Jamiroquai news presenting at the highest bid?" The Cameraman, in a slight pause, answers back, "Uh....well, Sony bought us." Jam, in a fury of anger and surprise boasts, "WHAT! SONY!!! WHY??"
The Cameraman, handing Jam his news papers answers back to him in haste, "Well, they were not flattered by your past macanations about them, so they bought us to put on us a level of control. Their is a Sony observer coming today to watch today's broadcast." Jam rolls his eyes and complains, "Oh, what, now we have 'Standards & Practices' on Jamiroquai News?!? That is censorship mister!" Jam grumbling with his hands crossed is assured by the Cameraman with, "Oh, don't worry Jam, just work along with them and everything will like 'Peas & Carrots'."
The Sony Observer walks onto the set and announces, "Uh hello, I'm Victor Hugeass, the Sony Observer, I'm looking for JamiroFan2000." Jam stands up from his desk and grumbles in a low voice to himself, "Oh god, enter the dragon!" Jam smiles and walks to shake his hand, says, "Uh hello, very almost nice to meet you Mr. Hugeass, are you ready to demean me before the crew?" Mr. Hugeass signs in anger and replies, "No I'm not Jam, I'm here to make sure that Sony and it's subsidiaries are represented in this telecast in a positive light. And not downgraded by your insulting commentary off the news sheets about them. Understand me, if there is even one little slight degradation of this news sheet, I will fire you as fast you can say 'Jamiroquai', get me!"
Jam, giving a swallow of disbelief, gimply replies, "Uh ok sir, shall I go today's broadcast now?" Mr. Hugeass nods and Jam takes his place back behind the desk and lightly comments to himself, "Oh God, it is so good to be back here. This is better than sex!" Jam starts kissing his desk, the Cameraman observing this replies, "Uh would you like to use the closet or get on with it?" Mr. Hugeass blushes, Jam wakes from his trance and says, "Oh sorry, I just let this happy moment go out of control...I'm ready now."
The Cameraman motions, the lights go out on the set, and he counts down, "We are on in 3, 2, 1." The Lights light back up on the set, and he motions to Jam. JamiroFan2000 greets, "GOOOOOD EVEEEENNNING Jamirophiles, I'm back, and more saucy than ever! Welcome back to the return of the Jamiroquai News Network, I'm as always your yummier than a food product named, patented and sold under the name 'Yummiest Yums Yums', JamiroFan2000! I feel so honored to return to give you my adoring fans more of the solid Jamiroquai news from around the wide spectrum of Jamiroquai! 2005 is shaping up to be the most important year for Jamiroquai news, so enough with my mumblings, here's the news!" A "Latest News" graphic flys onto the camera screen, Jam swings around his chair and faces the second camera.
He continues, "Hey there Camera 2, missed have you? Hehe, anyhoo, here's the latest: Jamiroquai attend Sony/BMG Orgy in LA!" Mr. Hugeass smirks and writes down something on his clipboard. Jam continues, "Early last week, Jamiroquai attended a private conference attended by various members of the newly mergered Sony/BMG Record Company. This news came off a sent e-mail from sexy Jamiroquai procurer of dee tribal drums Sola Akingbola to most of the heads of the Online Jamiroquai Community. He also noted that they would be amusing the rather easily forgettable executives by giving them theraputic foot massages as JK sang new songs from their upcoming new album. I guess even JK had to get the 'Jam' out of those Sony footsies...Ha Ha Ha!" Gives a classic Anchorman laugh, Mr. Hugeass jots something down yet again on his clipboard.
Jam continues, "Also in the news, David Talks the Talk: The Funkin Site webmaster and overall GOD of use Online Jamiroquai beings conversed with me about his visit to JK's. He said that last November, in the 2004, he went to JK's mansion and got to hear one of the new Jamiroquai songs. He commented it was 'freaking great', this nearly made my 'Ol' Mother Hubert' to get rather jossy! Ha Ha ha! Anyhoo, this was a encouraging bit of insider info, and a nice vacation from all the preorder dates for the new album release that have been harpooning online. Sony Music HIYAAHHH (Imitates a karate chop), err, I mean Japan, has listed on their website a May 2005 release date for the new Jamiroquai. While at the same time Sony Music Windmill, I mean Finland, listed a April release date."
Jam closes, "Well, that's all the news we have to give you today. It has been a distinct serving as your Anchorman for nearly 3 years now. But we have been bought by Sony, that is the Network has been. And be expected to see your favorite news quips by yours truly reduced and cut down by our new Sony Observer, Mister Huge-Ass! Turn the camera on him!" The Cameraman swings the camera on Mister Hugeass, he barely waves at the camera, it turns back on Jam. Jam continues, "See, when it concerns Sony, anything a big corporation gets it's hands on, will become bad, I mean we all know their relationship with Jamiroquai. Medicore promotions of their albums, unupdated Official Sites, and lacks of information between parties are their means to a end of the thing they attained. And I JamiroFan2000 will retire now from this post, unless Sony is willing to offer me amnesty from their policies when I report the news. I am completely against any control or censorship in any media or art, so I close with it's been fun.....keep funkin, and I'll see you at the discoteque!" Jam gives a military salute and walks away from the desk.
The Cameraman and the crew applaud as Jam walks out the door of the studio, Mr. Hugeass grimaces with anger as the cameras are switched off.
 Ha Ha Ha ! Will the Anchorman be fired by Sony? Or will he keep his job and be able to speak his mind? Next Chapter of the "Return of the Anchorman" coming soon, once there's more news...hehe!  I hope you enjoyed this, thanks for reading and Peace !
Sincerely,
JamiroFan2000
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